Contracts are for the nervous.
It’s crazy how, as humans, we long for connection but we couldn’t trust each other even if our lives depended on it. And we can’t trust each other because we’re all scared. It’s a horrible cycle: you’re selfish because I’m selfish, you don’t care about me because I don’t care about you. If everyone kept their word we wouldn’t need to promise each other things anymore. What’s a promise anyways? We just call it a promise as a way to guilt people into not going back on their agreement and make people feel bad when they don’t do what they say they’ll do. Every agreement we make should be important. We should always care. We should always “be there”. We should always help. Deep down all of us want to be loved and cared for. If we just did that, we wouldn’t need to worry about feeling let down. We’d all be working so hard to be there for each other that there’d be enough to go around.
Can’t we all just be good people and be there for one another?
Why did I ever stop typing my feelings? Why would I ever stop sharing what my heart goes through? When did I get too lazy to do something I really enjoy? What possessed me to think that I didn’t want to write any more? When did I decide that I was okay with filling up my blog with reblogs?
I swear, I make the dumbest decisions sometimes lol
Deprived of the power of sensation
I don’t know if that’s what you’d call it. But I suppose that’s what it is right now to be in my head. Yesterday my friend asked me if I felt awkward about Father’s Day. I mean..in the first year of my dad not being here I suppose holidays felt weird because my life is so different without him. For the most part in these last three years I’ve tried to “act normal” when it comes to special occassions, but there’s always that part of my mind that won’t let me forget that he’s missing. Despite the normal frustration I feel, all I could think to say to my friend’s house was “No, not really.” A few days ago, I found out that he’s getting married. And the day I found I freaked out. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I desperately needed to get out of my house. After not having anyone to talk to all day, I had to go to church that night and put on a smile like nothing was wrong. And later that night I went to the movies. When I got home I figured all of my stuffed emotions would resurface and I’d cry myself to sleep ,but the feelings kind of just disappeared. I woke up the next morning and it was like I could feel the anger in me somewhere. My blood began to boil. But I couldn’t muster up the energy to feed into it. Later I hung out at my other friend’s house and I could feel my throat tightening up all night. I could feel the tears right behind my eyes. I knew that somewhere in me I was angry and sad and confused and I wanted to curl into a ball and sink away, but I just couldn’t. When my friend asked me what was wrong, I blew off the gesture. I even tried blogging on my private account when I got home. That didn’t work either. So Father’s Day came and went; the Monday after is coming to a close. And I’m just kindof here..almost feeling things. Every time I feel something it just wells up and stops at the top of my throat. I think part of me is over being so upset about my dad altogether. I’m becoming more ready to pick up my life from where he left it and move on with it. Another part of me thinks that maybe I’ve just come to the realization that there’s no point in letting emotions out if those closest to me aren’t listening. Or maybe there’s some underlying problem that I haven’t discovered yet lol I’d like to think that I’m gonna get past this, that this is just some temporary coping mechanism that my brain is using to protect itself and if I try hard enough I can get past it. But I don’t really know if I want to get past it. Right now I’m pretty tired of being tired. There was one person left who knew exactly what I was going through and they’re no longer an option to go to so I gotta buck up, you know? I gotta man up and keep it moving. I can’t let myself drown in my tears. So if that means not letting them out, then it’s whatever.
I want to go on a road trip. Our destination has to be somewhere with a beach, lake, or river. And electric outlets lol We’ll leave extra early in the morning, take shifts, and drive all day. I want to find a nice spot to put up tents. We’ll plan little things to do in the nearby town, but still leave enough time to lay around and do nothing. Is a week too long? Is a weekend too short? Maybe 4 days. I just want to chill away from home with a small, tight group of people. I want to go swim for hours. I want to go fishing and catch my lunch. I want to sit around a fire and talk about all of the things that stress me out and get feedback from people who truly know me and care for me and want to see me become the best me. I want to legitimately relax with good vibes. No anger. No anxiety. No sadness. Just goodness. This will happen at some point in my near future.